I am.
Once you figure it out, it's both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because things finally start making sense. A curse because your whole life for 30+ years was built around something you aren't, and you have no damn idea how to make it work.
Around a month ago, I came out to myself, my mom, and my best friend as a trans man. And I received all the support I could ever dream of. Mom said I am her child no matter what, and she is glad she chose a name with a masculine variation for me. The first thing my best friend (AMAB) said was, "So what, should I call you my dude or my bro now?"
I am much luckier than a lot of my other soul brothers and sisters. And for that, I am grateful beyond any measure.
But how exactly did it happen? Oh, that's a long story I've been ignoring my whole life.
Ever since kindergarten, I was different. When we were playing "family," I always took the role of the husband. I was going for "work", I provided my "wife" and "kids" with everything they wanted, I protected my house from "bandits" who attacked at night. And I was hitting them hard. So hard that parents often complained to my mom, "Your girl has hurt my boy."
In school, I mainly hang out with boys. Climbing trees, abandoned building sites, catacombs. Fighting, discussing video games, sports, and other "boyish" stuff. At least, in my country in the '90s, it was considered boyish.
I used to be like other girls, petite and graceful, yet my grip strength was legendary, and so were the stories of how heavy-handed I was in fights. But when puberty hit, my body said, "enough is enough," and a lifetime of hell broke loose. I started gaining muscle mass rapidly, but at the time I was considered "fat and undisciplined." In just 2 months, I went from the easiest exercise variations to the hardest ones, but my fitness instructor banned me from the fitness studio because my legs got bigger and I "wasn't keeping my diet; otherwise, why aren't you skinny?" Doctors instructed my mom to feed me only vegetables because protein and carbs make me "fat." If you want a story of how systematic fatphobia ruins lives - here it is. Fuck doctors. They are massive cunts, and it's a shame that sometimes I absolutely have to turn to them. I hope they're treated in everyday life the same way they treat their patients. But I digress.
The most fascinating stuff was happening behind the closed doors of my mind. Around 14, I started using masculine pronouns for myself. Mind you, I didn't even have stable Internet access, and I didn't know about transgenderism. Pronouns weren't a thing yet, too. My surroundings thought I was just a larper. Truth be told, I used to think that too. Now I understand these were early signs. While girls were busy thinking about boys and bullied me for being fat and unattractive, I was completely drowned in my own world—the one where I was a boy. Girls looked up to celebrities as role models, while I got my hands on DMC3 and wanted to be freaking Dante. Girls used makeup and bragged about getting a certain brand or something heavily advertised; I was discussing Lineage2 and PC versus consoles with the guys. Damn, I even wore men's clothes at school because I thought it was much cooler than whatever shit was sold in the women's section.
"Probably you are a tomboy!" Yeah, I thought so too. But then hit that particular wave of puberty that made me curious about certain topics. And thank goodness I have a very progressive mom who wasn't ashamed of answering my questions. I realized that I am not really into hetero romance rather quickly, and my experience with 2 adult degenerates grooming me into ERP solidified this feeling. At one point, my friend offered to read some BL manga with me, and... it felt comforting. Love drama, fade-to-black, focus on the feelings. That was exactly what I needed, but it wasn't uncommon for the girls to like BL/yaoi. Armchair psychologists were saying that this allows you to experience feelings towards the opposite sex without any "rival females" on the horizon. But the problem is, I was strongly repulsed by media depicting non-consensual intercourse. Other yaoi fangirls were swooning over the fact that two hot men were banging no matter how (hey, I don't kink shame you, you do you, okay?), but that wasn't right to me. Maybe because I had adequate discussions with my mom, maybe because I wasn't looking at this as "two hot men banging," but "I'd like to be in the place of one of them as the guy and be loved respectfully by the guy as the guy."
And then the first feelings happened. I was 18; he was 21. It was ugly. He claimed to be bisexual, and he accepted my use of male pronouns at the time. It was a long-distance relationship, but we messed up a little over voice and video chats. I should have noticed the divide between my body and my mind then. I only got aroused when he was talking to me as the guy. But when he tried to initiate something, addressing me as a girl, a deep feeling of shame and repulsion crawled back in immediately. He got frustrated and showed his true colors very soon; he asked me to stop roleplaying if I wanted to ever get into any relationship, otherwise I would remain a virgin to the end of my miserable life. And yes, this is a quote. I still remember it; it hurt me so deeply.
He thought he could fix me. He thought that I took on this male persona because I was fat and ugly, and in this way it didn't hurt as much.
I believed him. I started caving in. I accepted the cards that I was dealt, but even with my acceptance, his prophecy came true. I didn't get into any long-term IRL relationships, and I never had any IRL intercourse. Not because I didn't get a chance, but because I felt deeply repulsed by the perspective.
I am asexual, I decided. Panromantic freaking asexual who keeps roleplaying as a male character in every online game and has the hottest damn ERPs as one. I tend to believe that I had better sex with my online partners than any skinny influencer bitch screeching about shrinking yourself in order to get laid.
My subconscious screamed at me. It manifested as a story about a girl's mind where a guy named Jan was trapped. It manifested as dozens of male OCs, TTRPG and MMORPG characters. It manifested in my complete and total disinterest in "womanly" stuff. In my urge to provide for my family. In my urge to protect the weak. In my lack of fear about getting "too much muscle" once I hit the gym.
But the final brick wasn't there. How did I find it?
I decided to try the dating app Boo. It was nice; I could list my hobbies and interests before photos and surface-level information. Man, I got tons of messages. And even if the conversations started with hobbies and work, guys were basically drooling over me, so my presumed fatness wasn't a problem at all. Men who like bigger women exist; there are a lot of them, and kudos to you, kings. But... that was the point when I realized I don't want to be treated like a woman. Because on the alternative profile, I posed as a man, and I got much more interesting interactions, and flirting/compliments felt much more natural. My conversations were flowing. My heart was singing. That's how this is supposed to be—pure joy of being adored as the guy.
Exactly what 16-year-old me wanted.
I dropped the act. The one I'd been keeping up for almost 20 years. I am a man. A pansexual man. I was just unlucky enough to be born in the wrong body. And I got an overly feminine one, too. If this body belonged to an actual woman, she could be anyone's goddess with her generous curves and softness. But here I am, wanting to reshape it into something I will feel comfortable in. I want to buy a binder. I hope to get a mastectomy next year (man, fuck this H-cup, holy shit). I started using men's deodorant and stopped shaving my body (except in areas I consider hygienic needs). I'm trying to figure out what kind of guy I am. What do I like? What was the act, and what is the real me? I have found two amazing RP partners I have fun with, and they know I'm transmasc. I rediscover myself and try to treat "Lana" as a business persona for now. Lana is a drag queen, okay? :D Sometimes your boy Jan feels a little gorgina, so now and then I have the urge to wear a dress and get pretty.
But what matters most is feeling comfortable, knowing who I am. I stopped caring about toxic feminine bullshit and embrace my true self in a way I should have long time ago. But better late than never, right?